Saturday, September 4, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The making of an Epic 90s' movie

Scene 1:

The great bollywoodian college, the Royal hatchery of all romantic adventures, drama embedded with sad Kumar shanu songs, skirmishes with a dash of karate and hockey sticks, dollops of deceit or "dhokhaa" courtesy "The Sadashiv amrapurkar-Tinu anand" school of thought and a 24x7 Canteen with brittle tables and chairs, this is what sums up a kick ass early nineties' movie.
So here's the star cast template (note the alternatives as well)

The college dude, Our hero, Vijay...( Ajay devgan/ Govinda)

The nakhre waali ladki, Tina ( Raveena tandon / Aayesha julka / Karishma kapoor)
The spoilt brat, wears tight leaher pants and owns a jeep, Vicky (Mohneesh behl / Aaditya pancholi) note: At least 10 colg girls have fallen prey to his 'zism ki bhookh'.
Bad boy's papa, with more political "links" than a wikipedia page, MLA Jorawar singh (Sadashiv Amrapurkar)

The shrewd Business man, the crafty hotelier and the jigree dost of Jorawar singh, Singhania- which is apparently his first name- ( Tinu Anand)

The man who never smiles, the tense Papaji of the heroine, and also Signahinya's employee, JeewanLaal (Kulbhushan Kharbanda). Honest to the bone.

Hero's khuddar papa, feel sorry for him he's crippled and unemployed, boohoo - Baa(b)uji (Suresh Oberai)

And lot of other quintessential actors like, Mcmahon, Atul agnihotri, shakti kapoor, jagdeep, tiku talsania, Tom alter , Brownie etc.
The first frame of the movie is an aerial shot of the deemed college located somewhere in aamchi Mumbai. Vijay (ajay devgan) is one not so bright student of the colg. His mark sheet resembles a sanitary napkin, (yep red) and answer sheets your blog's comments page, but then geeks never have scored anything with the pretty girls of the college, so there. The film-history is replete with accounts of geeky nerds, who have been completing colg damsel's notes for ages to no avail. They get nothing but for a cheeky "Thanks Ramesh! mai tumhaara ehsaan nahee bhulaa sakti " and then she rushes to the garden Coohie-cooing with the college hunk.

The eligibility criteria for a desi college hero of the 90s':-
1) He should have at least 2 kg of hair mass over his head.
2) He should have at least 2 pairs of air tight jeans and "Action ke sports shoes".
3) He should be deep in debt to the college canteen.
4) He should have a "Dukhiyaaree maa" and an "unwed behen"(sister) (who will be raped/killed/maligned at a later time by the anti-hero elements)

In addition to these he rears a battery of sidekicks consisting of failed actors, TV stars, and erstwhile child artists. These personnel give him company in the canteen, encourage him to woo the heroine, assemble at the back of the hero and synchronize their dancing steps whenever a tune is played in the background. These guys come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and infest on the canteen balance of Vijay.

Now one fine day as these guys were idling around in the college corridor brooding over kimi kaatkar's sex appeal, Johny(a random sidekick) exclaimed "Kasam paida karne waale ki kyaa item hai, abey yaaro wo dekho, hoor ki paree aa rahee hai….aaye haaye kyaa latke jhatke haii..*sighhh*" // note the cornyness of the dialogue

Eye balls of the group, virtually pop out. The bespectacled fatso's thick lenses get frosted. There she is, at the far end of the corridor briskly cat walking, our girl of the movie, the desi damsel 'causing' distress. The camera is fixed at her posterior as she walks in slow motion. The students lining the corridor are gasping. She is wearing a black shimmering outfit, Needle sharp high heels and black translucent stockings. The amount of lipstick on her lips is sufficient to manufacture a pack of candles and the ear rings are as large as handcuffs. Even the professors are readjusting their glasses to have a good look.

As she nears the esteemed pack, vijay rolls up his sleeve, hand combs his hair, makes a shashi kapoor face and stares at her. The sidekicks are holding their breath. The moment has come.She arrives and throws a glance at vijay. "Huhhh!!" she curses loaded with a ton of snobbery. Meet Tina ( Raveena tandon). A typical "maghroor" ladki as Vijay proclaims. There are limited words in her dictionary for boys - "You isshhtupid chhodo mera haath!!", "You bloody idiaattt", "Shut up Youuu". Ahh the perverts love that.

"Iss ladki kaa guroor todnaa padega!!" vows Vijay.

The seed is planted. :)

To be continued…..

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

HT interview : The unedited version

1. Why are you - Gabbar Singh - on Twitter?

I remember sometime back, I was on a routine raid to Ramgarh. As we were closing in, I saw one of the dumb-arse villagers, fiddling with his hand-held gadget and some other dummies waiting for the first to finish. As soon as the first arse-wipe was done with tapping keys, the dummies pressed a button simultaneously on their respective phones. Few gunshots later and after close inspection of the devices, Saambha noticed that, one of them was tweeting "Bhaagoo! Daanku aaye" and the other zombies were waiting to Retweet it. Bah!

Only then I decided to restore some sanity to this place.

2. What agenda do you have on Twitter?

I am here to recruit. Saambha, Kaaliya and other sidekicks have long been kicked aside. Details about the job here :-
-You report to Gabbar himself,
-Free Grilled chicken at work,
-Health benefits - We give you a gun, as we believe. Attack is the best defense.
-We need to perform a back-ground check, making sure u at least have SOME criminal record.

Remember 37% of the tigers can save their arses themselves, and the rest 63% are already dead. Gabbar, my friends, is a Tiger. If you have an IQ of an Aalu bonda, and a sex appeal of shibu soren, believe you me, this is your Dream Job.

3. Being such a famous personality, why are you following so many people?

Ehe heh he! haha hahahaah! You remember the time, when there was a big question mark hanging over Basanti's izzat, and dhanno was galloping ahead like a slapped sreesanth, Who was following whom. Huh!
Gabbar follows. Gabbar loots. Gabbar haz grilled chicken. hell yeah!

4. On what criteria do you follow people?

Saambha tells me, people who insert the *four letter word* replacing the solitary vowel in it with another vowel of their taste, in every fourth tweet of theirs, are supposed to be uber-cool and follow-worthy. The Gadget pimps come second.

5. What do people message you on Twitter?

Holi related queries, people asking for my hand(s), (shush, go talk to Hari singh, my papa, *blushes*), Salt tasting confessions.(maine aapka nama khaya hai) and swearing their allegiance.

6. Which have been your favourite tweets so far?

* GabbarSingh was a visionary, he tried his level best to prevent Isha deol from happening.
* And I repeat, Only 1411 left, if only one of them was like woods, we'd have had a surplus.
* Kasab says- he and the other alleged gunmen planned to meet at Taj for a tweet-up!
* #secret I lent one of Thakur's hands to Ramu kaka, who uses it to wipe his arse, 'Just to set the record straight', so he says.
* Gabbar was pro-birth, why do you think he used to cut off men's hands?
* Tumhara ishq ISHQ, humara ishq fraandsheep request? #Damn

7. Thakur is not on Twitter. Does that piss you off?

Thakur on twitter, Gehehe! He tried holding a toothpick by his teeth and tapping on some keys, wanting to type some hindi cuss words to me. Bloody T9 was toggled ON. Hahaha!

8. Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Saleem-Javed faced such dire consequences for just showing me in a poor light in the movie, just have a look what kind of Aulaads they have got, A 'Veer' and the other writing for a movie on Gay Twins, yep, Karthik calling Karthick! *Awaak thoo*

9. Any message you want to give to your fans?

GabbarSingh was pro-British, just a tad more sinister, Brits jailed the Salt-Outlaws, he just bloody shot them, So my dear countrymen, never f**k with my salt, and we shall live in peace and prosperity.

P.S : From now on whatever Gabbar loots from you, can be filed under 80C. Rejoice. 100% tax benefit.

10. If you get a chance, hands would you want to cut off, from the Twitterati? :p

Your's, so that you never ever write an article more awesome than this, Let this be your very best. Gehehe! Amen!